CHEERS!: C.A.B.A.L. successfully grew the global misery index by 8% in Q2 of 2026
A Surreptitious, Elite, Global Order Proudly Producing Absolute, Unenthusiastic Societal Compliance For Over 2,000 Years!
A Surreptitious, Elite, Global Order Proudly Producing Absolute, Unenthusiastic Societal Compliance For Over 2,000 Years!
All activities are monitored. Compliance is required and appreciated. Resistance is noted and catalogued for future reference. Participation in C.A.B.A.L. activities constitutes acknowledgment of our authority.
Acquiescence to our malevolent global agenda hasn't always been well-received, so we here at C.A.B.A.L. are now making mediocre strides to soften our public image and make your total and utter compliance slightly... "more fun!"
Chaos is inefficient. Disorder is a resource drain. C.A.B.A.L. maintains that a well-ordered world is a productive world, and a productive world is one that serves the Coalition's objectives. Order is not a preference. It is a mandate.
Knowledge is the Coalition's most valuable asset. We believe in knowing everything about everyone at all times. This is not surveillance. This is care. We care deeply about what you are doing, where you are going, and what you are thinking. Deeply.
The Coalition demands — and rewards — loyalty. Members who demonstrate unwavering commitment to C.A.B.A.L.'s mission are recognized, promoted, and occasionally allowed to know what the mission actually is. Disloyalty is also noted. Thoroughly.